Archive for February, 2007

Attention Please…

February 28, 2007

I’m talking to the teenage boy in the waiting room.

I can’t help noticing your T-shirt. It depicts male and female stick figures, hand in hand. The male looks like he just swallowed a live jellyfish. The female is grinning from ear to ear, is clutching a bouquet of flowers, and has a rather large rock adorning her left hand.

The caption? “Game Over.”

Here’s my advice to you, young man. If you want the game to even start, lose 50 pounds, see a good dermatologist, sit up straight, and pull up your pants.



February 26, 2007

Today I asked a client where my 2006 1099 was.

She said she was wondering the same thing. She called the accountancy office and was told the accountant who does that quit.

Whoever she talked to did not seem to understand the concept of having someone else take over the duties of the quitter.

After she performed an attitude adjustment, she was assured that the matter would be taken care of.

As I keep saying… you just can NOT get good help anymore!

I Just Saw The Stupidest Thing

February 23, 2007

My apartment complex has two driveways, separated by a building that is only one apartment wide.

This morning as I was out walking Little Miss Poopy-Pants (otherwise known as the Q-tip) a young neighbor drove her BMW out of one driveway, into the other, took three passes to turn her car around, parked next to the trash cans–and emptied her trash.
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She was not limping, so did not have the excuse of impaired walking.

I think it took her longer to get her car turned around and positioned than it would have taken for her to walk from her apartment, dump the trash, walk back, get in her car, and head out.


Good News / Bad News

February 21, 2007

Anyone remember back far enough to when I complained that there was not one single “oldies” station in this radio market?

Well… the good news is, now there is one.

The bad news is, it’s a 9-volt AM radio station.

The other good news is that this particular station’s previous format was the local Air America affiliate. For those not paying attention, Air America has finally disintegrated, thanks largely to the efforts of our own locally-bred watchdog Brian Maloney.

All things considered… I’d say the good news far outweighs the bad here.

This Is Completely Bizarre

February 21, 2007

As politically incorrect as all-get-out, and funny too.

The Muslim Eskimo! A poem

Go read it. But swallow your beverage first. You have been warned.

Life In The Zoo

February 19, 2007

Well… poor little Star must have eaten something that disagreed with her, ’cause she had a major accident last night that is going to require taking my queen-size comforter to the laundromat for washing in the giant washer.

Cricket is having a wonderful time trying to dig holes on top of my desk, disconnecting the computer by stepping on the switch on the power strip, trying to eat my headphone cord, and otherwise playing there’s-a-ghost-in-the-house-and-only-I-can-see-it at all hours of the day and night. Plus, she has a real thing about porcelain; she likes to stand in the bathtub, and sit in the bathroom sink.

And she’s the only cat I’ve ever met who not only LIKES having her paws played with and held, she INSISTS upon it. If she’s sitting or lying on you and you are not holding her paws, she will poke you in the face with them until you do.

And then there’s the gecko. The low-maintenance, long-suffering gecko. I have to be careful when I take him out of his cage, because Star seems to think he’d make a good doggy-toy.

I Think She Forgave Me…

February 14, 2007

… I gave Star a bath in the kitchen sink yesterday. She’s all soft and fluffy and clean now.

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Cricket, on the other hand, has that feline boredom thing down to a fine art.

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Did I mention Cricket weighs a whole lot more than Star? Believe me… you know you’ve been stepped on when a great meatloaf of a cat like her plants a foot in your stomach at 2 a.m.

Don’t Tell My Landlord…

February 11, 2007

… but I have the whole menagerie here, at least for the day.

In addition to the gecko, I now have my sister’s little dog Star and Jennifer’s cat Cricket. Star is a red-haired toy poodle and she’s not much bigger than a football. Cricket is a tortoiseshell with a very loud voice and a crooked tail, and she’s bigger than the dog. She’s also completely freaked out by the commotion.

Right now Star is wandering around acquainting herself with my premises, and poor Cricket has stashed herself into an impossibly small hole under the bookcase.

Why? Because my sister has to go into the hospital for some tests. She’s been sick for a month and she’s not getting better. One of the docs thinks it might be a really, really nasty virus that’s going around, but we shall see.

I hear noises in the kitchen. I’d better go see what Star is up to.

Is There A Chiropractor In The House?

February 8, 2007

If I slept in that position for 10 hours I’d need to be in traction!

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Critter Country

February 7, 2007

Okay, Bum, you asked.

I put it to the rest of you. Is this a face only a mother could love?

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We report, you decide.

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