Archive for the ‘Battle of the Sexes’ Category

And They Ask Writers Where We Get Ideas…

October 31, 2007

The answer? We wake up in the morning. We open our eyes. We put our heads out the door and look around. We answer the phone, and read our e-mail.

This is just too good not to put in the book… somehow.

Remember His Nadlessness? The two-timing bottom-feeder? Well… it gets even better.

Seems his entire office knew he was two-timing his girlfriend (who has since married him, the poor thing), and that I was the other woman. I do not know whether anyone tipped her off that he was playing around. No one bothered to tip ME off that I was the back-door cookie.

During the period when he was calling less and e-mailing less, it seems he was arrested for at least his second DUI. (He told me very early on he had once had a DUI, and had learned his lesson. Hah.) He was sentenced, as I understand it, to wear an ankle bracelet, and his movements were restricted to home and work. Apparently, he violated this by showing up late and drunk for something (not clear what) and thus was tossed in the slammer for a month.

His now-wife was aware of the entire episode, but needless to say, he never snuck over to my place while wearing the ankle bracelet, ’cause I’d have noticed. And the month-long vacation in the Hoosegow Hilton certainly explains a rather long gap in the e-mail traffic.

Let this serve as fair warning to anybody who is in close contact with a writer. A T-shirt I have explains it best:

Warning: Anything you do may appear in my next book.

Men Who Are Morons…

October 9, 2007

… and the women who love them.

Two totally unrelated incidents, but if you have even a smidgen of intelligence, they are real head-shakers.

Example one. Conversation overheard between two guys, neither with a formal education. One could have been the model for the classic cabana boy. Absolute eye candy. We’ll call him “pretty boy.”

The other, decent looking but a little more ragged around the edges, with a good mind and reasonably good self-education. Anything he wanted to know, he would read every book there was on the subject. We’ll call him “smart boy.”

Smart boy: You know, you really don’t know anything. You should read more.

Pretty boy: Hey, I read a book last year!

[… wait for it…]

… and it was one of those BIG comic books, too!

::sound of head smacking wall::

Example two. Remember the young woman with the totally useless boyfriend? (Which one? This one.)

Much to her credit, she has more or less dumped him, but she still sees a lot of him because whenever he’s willing to babysit their son, she takes him up on it. She might as well get SOME use out of him.

But back when he got that DUI and had to do jail time, he did it on a program where he was allowed out during the day to work.

I am not aware of the exact context of the conversation, but apparently he was trying to impress upon her that he does have his good points:

“Hey, I reported to jail on time every single night!”

My, my. What an item for the resume.

Kind of reminds me of my second mistake, red-faced angrily insisting, “I am TOO funny!”

Oh, really? Why wasn’t I laughing?

Heh.

May 4, 2007

Remember His Nadlessness? That no-good varmint whose lying cheating hide ought to be nailed to the barn door for all to see?

Well… it seems he and the company that he left are still duking it out in a legal battle over certain business issues, and if it ever comes to court, I could be called as a lack-of-character witness.

I just assured the office manager over there that I am such a pack rat, I save every e-mail, and I still have the dated e-mails where first he propositioned me (four years and change ago). Others can testify as to just when he and the woman he finally married last year had started up their allegedly exclusive relationship (six years ago).

This, the theory goes, can show that since he was clearly dishonest and unethical in his personal relationships, is it such a stretch to believe that his lack of integrity might spill over into his business dealings?

The office manager said for this reason alone she hopes it WILL go to court, ’cause she’d just LOVE to watch the fireworks!

My name and phone number will be turned over to their attorney next week, so stay tuned. This could get interesting.

Attention Please…

February 28, 2007

I’m talking to the teenage boy in the waiting room.

I can’t help noticing your T-shirt. It depicts male and female stick figures, hand in hand. The male looks like he just swallowed a live jellyfish. The female is grinning from ear to ear, is clutching a bouquet of flowers, and has a rather large rock adorning her left hand.

The caption? “Game Over.”

Here’s my advice to you, young man. If you want the game to even start, lose 50 pounds, see a good dermatologist, sit up straight, and pull up your pants.

Worse Yet

October 29, 2006

Remember the young woman with the three kids and the live-in boyfriend 260 pounds of useless fat?

Her house finally went into foreclosure and she was forced to move to an apartment. She isn’t going to make it there, either; she cannot live within what little means she has, and with a disabled toddler to care for, she can’t exactly go out and find a job.

The other day the boyfriend 260 pounds of useless fat asked her, doesn’t she get alimony and child support from the ex-husband? She said, yes she does.

Then he had the nerve to ask her where that money is going, and why is she so broke.

She told him she uses it to pay the rent, car payment, insurance, food. Oh, and to keep a roof over his lazy arse and the plasma TV he rode in on.

Interestingly enough, he brings in just enough money to see to it that the cable bill is paid every month–but shows no interest in helping with any other bills.

Meanwhile, the ex-husband (who left her for another woman) has done something so terminally stupid, he is very likely to lose his job–and there will go the alimony and child support. (Apparently he had an affair with a co-worker, or something like that.)

The betting pool is now open as to how long it’s going to take her to finally toss the boyfriend 260 pounds of useless fat and his plasma TV out of her life.

After that, there will be another betting pool– on how long it will be before she hooks up with the next useless jerk.

Thanks, I Think.

October 16, 2006

Got paid a nice back-handed compliment over the weekend.

Dragged neighbor Howard down the coast on a tourist trek. I told him since he’s the rubbernecking tourist and I’ve seen it all a hundred times, I would drive, and he said okay.

At the end of the trip he said, realizing that it would sound kind of funny, “You don’t drive like a woman.”

Thanks. I think.

Nice.

August 2, 2006

Heard from reliable sources that His Nadlessness did indeed marry the woman he had been living in sin with–and today they leave to move to Oregon.

I got a letter from him last week while I was gone, same form letter everybody else got, announcing that he was semi-retiring, and he was turning his practice over to the other guy in the office.

Seems he didn’t get the memo that my mother and I already fired him and retained a new CPA.

Son of a bleep. That’s all I have to say. And I don’t mean bleep.

I hope for her sake he has mended his ways.

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out

June 23, 2006

I hear from a reliable source that His Nadlessness has been admonished by members of his church that he really should marry that woman he is living in sin with.

And some of those people have learned, through the grapevine, that he was two-timing that woman he’s living in sin with.

If he’s not busted with her now, he soon will be, because there’s nothing a small town likes more than juicy gossip.

Sometimes…

May 16, 2006

… don’t you just want to clonk two people’s heads together?

A young couple of my slight acquaintance had been together off and on for something like 5 years. They talked about commitment. They talked about future marriage. But nothing was set in stone.

She moves away to take a new job in a new town. He doesn’t go with her, preferring to stay right where he is. He also states that he doesn’t want to do a long distance relationship, so they should see other people, but keep their future options open.

Taking him at his word, she sees a few other people. So does he.

Now she’s thinking about moving back so they can be together again–but he’s acting all heartbroken and jealous over the fact that she has seen other people. Meanwhile, he has a new chickie whom he SAYS is just a friend. Chickie says otherwise. According to her page on myspace.com, he loves her desperately, they are made for each other, and the white picket fence and 2.3 kids are just around the corner. He, on the other hand, maintains that he has never even kissed her. Uh huh.

Aargh. Was I ever that young?

It’s Worse

April 28, 2006

Remember His Nadlessness, that lousy no-good lying, two-timing filbert-less chicken-snot for whom I was “the other woman?”

When I confronted him, he said that when he and I were dating, he and his girlfriend were “only friends” and didn’t decide to take their relationship “to the next level” until much more recently, so he was not two-timing her, and had never meant to mislead me. Yeah. Right.

I found today from an independent source that he and she have been “together” for at least five years. His pursuit of me was much more recent than that.

And now I’m back to the dilemma of thinking that she really ought to know he has cheated on her with least one other woman, so she has all the necessary information to decide whether she wants to stick with him or kick his lying assets to the curb. But how does one go about dropping such a piece of information without appearing vindictive? And if she’s already aware of his wandering ways and chooses to look the other way, that’s her business. If it were me, would I want to know? Yes, I would. So do I find a way to send her an anonymous e-mail, or something?

If anybody out there knows His Nadlessness’s girlfriend, tell her she should ask the man in her life about the blogger who photographs wildflowers. And tell her to be prepared for him to lie about it.

And he sure must believe in living dangerously, because he pursued me in public, and in front of at least some of his personal friends. Hell, maybe she does know already and doesn’t care, or he has found a way to convince her that he didn’t do anything wrong. Who knows?

For those interested in the soap opera… below the fold are excerpts of the e-mail that he never answered, in which I told him exactly what he did to mislead me.

(more…)